Let’s not fear who we are!

Forgot your keys? It happens to everyone. Lying once in a while? Who doesn’t?! Not being able to pay attention while someone talks to you in spite of yourself? These are symptoms that anyone can experience, but if it happens on a daily basis, some find themselves diagnosed with ADHD (Attention and Hyperactivity Disorder).

Getting to this reading point, some will still grumble: “another ADHD story”; « it’s the trend of the moment »; « It’s not a real trouble, stop you lazy people! » « . For the latter, I am not trying to convince. I don’t care whether you believe it or not… However, for others, this story may allow them to recognize themselves and not feel alone. My story.

Until a few months ago, I was not sure if I had this handicap. After all, our personal history can cause us to act and think in ways that are unrelated to ADHD. And even after being diagnosed last February, the year I turned 30, I didn’t think it affected my life too much. It took me a trip abroad to realize how wrong I was.

I am currently in Seoul, South Korea. For the first part of my journey, I am alone. It doesn’t scare me, novelty has always had a special appeal to me. Seoul is a city where people come and go, a constantly moving anthill. This Asian capital with a thousand and one treasures to offer you, it is not the activities that are lacking. Nevertheless…

Still, I spent the first few days not leaving my room. I didn’t know where to go. The choice was there, perhaps too much. The possibilities were so great that I felt pressured, anxious. So I delayed the moment of choice. At the same time, I hated myself for doing nothing, for letting myself sink into this lethargy. I heard the possible judgments in my head about my inaction: « You’re in a foreign country and you’re not going out? Might as well stay home! « ; « Sloth is curable! » »… And the more I spent these possible scenarios in my head, the more I did not feel able to get out, on the verge of depression.

I then inquired about going to events where I would actually meet and talk to people, not just « hello, goodbye » with a salesperson. I went there and spent very good evenings but nothing that took me out of my languor. For those who travel, you know the story: we exchange contacts, but the reconnection in question is more than low. In addition, the Korean men and women met have jobs, studies, their availability is less than a French woman on vacation. The days turn out to be rather long.

I tried to pull myself out of my condition. I went to visit Namsan Tower, a famous tourist attraction or for couples, a bit like the Pont des Arts in Paris with the padlocks on the railings. Decided, despite a little delay on the agenda that I had planned (it was not as if someone was waiting for me), here I am in the cabin with lots of visitors. Up there, the view was beautiful but I couldn’t feel it. I saw no point because I had no one to share it with. A photo ? Social networks ? It depends on the person, even for ADHD, but a virtual memory sharing makes me feel more empty than anything else.

I started to think about all this… This week, I had other evenings planned that I ended up canceling at the last moment. And no, I’m not shy or introverted. I’m more of a person who sympathizes quickly with his neighbor and talkative. The length of my text proves my last point.

A meetup group at 8 p.m.? Why not ? No harm in going there. It’s 10 a.m. I have plenty of time to do other things. I just have to choose where to go, get ready, and let’s go! But where to go? What if it’s too far? It’s so hot right now that I have to go inside to change before I go. Will I have time? What if there is a problem? Do I need to take a spare t-shirt with me? What if I took something to occupy myself in a cafe after a visit to a monument to be close to the event? Surely my bag is going to be heavy, right? Won’t I end up spending too much money? Would it be better for me to do otherwise? What if I was going to visit and not go to the party?

As this endless stream of questions confuses my mind, I blindly watch an episode of a series, not ready, watching the clock tick by, biting my fingernails. Logically, I know that I have the time or the possibility to prepare myself to do everything. Emotionally, I am unable to move.

I would travel with someone, I would take things in hand without problem, I would be the person who reassures and assures that everything will be fine and that we have time to do what we say. Alone, it’s like I carry the world on my shoulders whether I make a decision or not. A friend would tell me about this problem, I would tell her that it is not serious, that it will be fine. Alone, I criticize myself as lazy, lazy and wondering to myself why I’m not moving. You’re in South Korea, damn it! Do something ! But no.

In recent years, there has hardly been a single moment when I have lived alone. At almost 30 years old, we could laugh about it. Because I’m not alone, I live in a somewhat balanced way. I eat three meals a day, go out with friends, chat with my family, go to work.

Here, it’s almost a miracle if I eat one real meal a day. The choice of possibilities overwhelms me that I do not know what to choose. I manage to convince myself that it doesn’t matter if I miss a meal or two. But I’m bored, and I’m thinking. I realize that despite flawless logic, I can’t take care of myself. And that terrifies me. Sometimes I hate myself for it.

ADHDs have a fairly common symptom: they don’t know how to take care of themselves unless it’s for the well-being of someone else. That is to say, unless they have to take care of a third person, people with this disorder will have great difficulty in taking care of themselves. Most of our actions are in the perspective of being able to be a help for the other. Like everyone, we like to have our moments of solitude, however, we cannot live just for ourselves. We could become self-destructive: spending too much, not eating right, isolating ourselves, not respecting one (or even several) sleep cycle…

Knowing that you cannot live without someone is a very hard reality to accept. We do not fit into the norm of being able to live independently, to succeed in life without the help of people, to act in a healthy way for ourselves… In our current society, some consider us as losers, lazy people who do not know how to do and what it takes to get by.

There are a variety of symptoms that control our life as ADHD, I have only mentioned a tiny part here. Some think we just make excuses for our behavior. It is not a physical, visible disability, so for the most part of them, it does not exist.

For those in this situation, fear not. Other people like you exist. People like me who would be happy to listen to you or help you in any way they can.

Let’s not be afraid to be who we are!